Preggers

Thats me i am preggers.....

And not to take away from that....now i am petrified.

SO found a steamy myspace back and forth between a guy friend and I. We were steaming before my X and i split and i sent him some questionable pictures.....well....we talked about those pictures and SO thinks i sent him more of them in july.

I know it was wrong....i really do. I have even talked with my friend about SO and I and we are no longer bantering back and forth.....and havent for awhile, but here i sit, cheater once again.

I cant do anything right and damnit if i wanted to live like this i woudl have just stayed with the X. I had a right to question my relationship.....i had a right to vent. I was questioning the relationship due to a trip i took that SO was beyond unhappy about. I felt control....he says he was just protecting me....thats not how it felt. Helll, this is the only place that i know he will not see because i only blog at work....

I wish he would realize that its been so very hard for me. Its been scary, awkward, and just scary. He seems to think its just so easy to commit, but really....for me its harder.

I just see the bottom dropping out.....and me having a kid now....fuck, this is not going to work.

I don't think they liked me much

So, i used to travel a couple of forums for my own sanity most days. I am not all that great a person, but i am working on myself slowly.

Its scary to look in the mirror and not like who is looking back. So, i traveled these forums looking for a sympathetic ear.....but mostly i got seriously loud crickets. Not that its a bad thing. I think enabling is bad....and they could have easily done it to me, but I needed some help. Sometimes i got it....most times i didnt.

So I have decided to part ways with The Nest and Surviving Infidelity. They were great for what they were, but I think i have gotten all i needed from them.

turning the page......

You put a tiny pin prick in my big red balloon,
and as I slowly start to exhale,
that's when you leave the room.
And I did not design this game.
I did not name the stakes,
I just happen to like apples
and am not afraid of snakes.
~ Ani DiFranco

The day....

Is not going much better....but we will see about tonight...

I did find my new song though

Natasha Bedingfield - Wild Horses


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lI5_Afk_Xg

My online Journal was found....

So now...i will be here, blogging under no real name.

I have had a really crappy day.....my morning was shot at 4:30am and it just got peachier from there. They say shit rolls down hill....but i am wondering if Karma rolled the ball off the ledge.

Well, so today my boyfriend found my previous online journal. There was private thoughts and whatnot on it and while i accidently left the site up....he took it upon himself to dig through it....

He found my ramblings about my ex-husband....thats a story in and of itself.....I really dont know what to do now....

I am tired of not being trusted....i am tired of having to lived down my past mistakes....damn it...4 ten hour days, a crappy morning, a crappy afternoon....i am just plain tired of life at the moment.